The quiet shout-For Maya Angelou
I heard his car lock outside, as he pulled in
I could always see when he was coming in because my window looked out to the gravel drive way
but today sucked, it was raining, it was cold and it just completely sucked
and now he was here to once again cause a scene and destroy my life.
I made sure to close my door without making too much of a sound
I didn’t want them to know I was home
I sat in my grey room with my back leaning on the door,
I liked my grey room because it described me, it described how I felt everyday when I had to come home or when I had to leave and be someone I’m not.
They never knew I could hear them and she never knew that I was able to hear the vulnerability in her voice and the way she let him take control
She feared loosing him more than she feared not having me in her life.
This was the third one in the last year,
the third one that she thought she loved,
the third one that she thought she needed,
the third one that took advantage of me,
the third one that made me feel like a dog,
and the third one that brought our separate lives to destruction.
They were screaming at each other like always,
it was a back and forth shout between him and her,
she would cry and apologize and he would shout and threaten to leave her
But today was different it sounded the worst than it has ever been,
the sound of his hand connecting to her face was so infectious that my skin would crawl,
the way he hit her and threw her around felt like he was doing it to me.
I wrapped my arms around my legs as I drew them closer to my chest and I threw my head into my thighs,
Just breath is what I would tell myself,
maybe he wont come upstairs today,
maybe he will leave today.
Things started to break, glass was being shattered and holes were being put into the walls,
the shouting was louder and the cries that developed from the pit of her stomach matched the down poor of the rain outside.
I couldn’t do it any more and I couldn’t help her because she refused to help me.
I can either stay here and let him get his way, again,
or I can leave.
My window was the only way out and the tree beside it was my ladder to freedom.
It went silent for a second and I started to her the footsteps,
It wasn’t her because she was light and delicate,
his were sloppy and drunk
but than they stopped…
I got up and went to the window right when the shouting started again
I couldn’t stay I had to go,
I lifted my window and slowly hung onto the ledge as I went to reach for the tree branch,
I was really close to it but when I thought I had it my hand slipped and I missed
my slow but steady fall to the ground felt peaceful for once,
I didn’t even scream I just landed
and as the rain droplets fell upon my face I slowly smiled and started to rehearse the poem;
How to find my soul a home
Where water is not thirsty
And bread loaf is not stone
I came up with one thing
And I don’t believe I’m wrong
Can make it out alone…
Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Now if you listen closely
I’ll tell you what I know
Storm clouds are gathering
The wind is gonna blow
The race of man is suffering
And I can hear the moan,
Can make it out here alone
Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.”
But only if I could speak would they hear my scream,
would they hear her words and realize they are wrong,
But I can’t and they wont
I couldn’t make it out here alone and I will pass with her words on my soul.