She thought, He thought and She felt

by Confessions

It was a nice spring morning, the season of rebirth, and memorial park was always a bit chilly to me because it was never the same. I held her hand and we walked the same walk every afternoon that we did for the last 10 years, I knew she liked it because it was refreshing so I did it, I did it for her.

Sometimes I felt like we would never get back to where we were 10 years ago as newly weds.
It just wouldn’t work and it scared me.
But I put on a smile everyday because I didn’t want him to leave me and I didn’t want him to think I was giving up.
He was always stronger than me and he always gave me strength when I was weak.
He was the charger to my battery, but in this case he was continuously trying to charge a battery that would never work again.

She thought I was strong but I really wasn’t, I was only strong for her because I knew that if I couldn’t be on my best every day it would kill her inside.
I loved her and I always have from the first day I saw her, 12 years ago. I could see in her eyes that her spirit was gone, her love was slipping away, the same way water slowly falls through the cracks of your fingers.
But what could I do.

I’ve been knitting the same small sweaters for the past 30 years. I started because my only son died and I couldn’t bare to live without him and I didn’t want to. I started knitting my sweaters and I stopped talking to everyone even my loving husband. My son was only 9 years of age and he made everyday of my life worth living and when he died I knew that I would no longer be a mother. I knitted because he loved his sweaters, he loved the bright colours and it was all I had that kept me connected to him.
It wasn’t fair and he didn’t deserve it. He didn’t deserve to loose his life at such a young age.
I stopped talking to my husband and family and as much as he tried to stick around for 10 years after the incident he realized that he couldn’t do it any more. He couldn’t carry the burden for both of us and he couldn’t be the only one trying to fix things.
But why would I speak if the only one who put life into my voice was gone.

I wish we could just go back but I know that would never happen. It would never happen because you cant erase the past.
I wanted him to stay but I was afraid that if he stayed he would cause me to never get better.
He looked exactly like him, the same nose, the same eyes, everything.
They even had the same laugh, though I haven’t heard it much lately it still rang in my head.
I missed his laugh… I missed both of their laughs, it was contagious and once it started it was hard to not fall in love all over again.

She had this beautiful smile that would light up the world, literally, or maybe just my world but I haven’t seen it.
I haven’t seen the real smile and I wish I had again. I couldn’t blame her I wasn’t me either and how could I expect her to be.
He looked like her. Not physically but spiritually. They had the same soul, the same heart,  same love, and that contagious happiness that flowed from within and touched everyone that came into contact with them. I missed them both.

Sometimes I wish that I tried harder, and that I made an effort to stay close to the one living thing that was apart of him.
But you never know now what could happen.
I saw this couple walk the same walk they did at memorial park everyday for the last 10 years.
In the recent years they were missing someone and I could see that they tried very hard to stay happy but their eyes were, oh so sad.

I always saw this beautiful old lady when we walked in memorial park and I always thought if she was lonely.
Why was she always alone?
And than I thought maybe that could be me one day and if it was would I be just as lonely or would I be okay with where I was in life.

This lady always always sat there and knitted tiny sweaters as if for a kid, but she was always alone so who were they for?
The sweaters reminded me of those colourful ones that would be left on our porch, every month just for him.
She reminded me of her and I thought to myself that if she were to ever be alone would she be like that, would she be happy or sad and I realized that I could never leave her.

She was knitting a bright red sweater…

She was knitting a red sweater…. I fell to my knees and it all started to come out like a waterfall with no ending.

He started to cry and in that moment I realized I had to be the charger this time. He felt it all along but never let it out.
I had to fix his battery. I’ve never seen him like this especially in public.
I held him and I kissed him and I told him “it’s okay we can finally get through this together.”

She was the one who made those sweaters it was her this whole time, but how did she know and why?
Why did she make those sweaters? His favourite colour was red, it was always red and I realized my boy was really gone.
I loved her for holding me, for staying strong in that fragile moment.

He started to cry and she held him so tight. The way I never held my husband when he needed me…
I walked over to them and I patted his shoulder and said “it will be okay, you can get through this.”
I started to walk away and in that moment I smiled and said It is well, when my Husband grabbed my hand and said “I knew you’d come along.”

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