Confessions

With all brokenness aside… A blog about confessions it may be fiction and it may be non-fiction it just depends on how you decide to read it

Love in the Deep End

You held my cold and timid hand as we sat on the warm beach,
you slowly turned your face towards mine,
and in the small moment I knew what you would say to me..

I wanted you to say it,
I was anticipating this moment because I knew that it’s what I wanted
but I feared you only wanted it for me.

You said lets swim out to the deep end,
together just me and you,
I looked into your eyes and put on my poker face,
I held your face in my hands and said okay

my heart was beating faster than I ever thought a heart could beat

As we got into the water you gripped my hand
and said when we get tired we will come back to the shore… together
and I trusted you

by the time we got past the shallow waters
and the sun started to slowly die I felt your hand slip away,
before I knew it you got tired before me

even though I was tired I kept swimming
hoping you’d just hold on a little bit longer
the deeper I got with you, the more you gave up.

When I thought you were beside me pushing through the waves
I turned to see you heading back to the shore,
your safe place where you didn’t have to worry about drowning.

I was ready to drown for you,
drown with you,
push you when you got tired
but instead you left me out there to sink all by myself,
to fight back to the shore….

and i’m not even sure I made it back yet
I’m out here slowly getting to the shallow end
while I suffocate in your love.

Seasonal love

It came and went without you even knowing,

it was strong and than it was weak.

It started to evolve slowly like the flowers that bloom in may,

even though there were rainy days the sun still shinned.

It was everything you were wanting and waiting for but once it came you wished it away.

It was beautiful, warm and contagious like the summer,

but some days were too unbearable and too uncomfortable just like the sun beaming on your skin.

And when you were just getting use to it in a split second it slipped away,

it creep-ed up and became explicitly cool, breezy and flaky.

Like the leaves during the fall it slowly started to fall to the ground only to never be picked back up again.

I thought it would still last until it disintegrated into the freezing and brutally dreadful cold winter.

We still loved the winter even though it made us so sad.

but after a while you cant love it and you want the summer to come again,

only this time summer didn’t come.

this ones for YOU

Many nights you left me waiting,

waiting at my front door hoping that you will come,

come and rescue me and prove everyone else wrong,

because even though I waited from day to night

from dusk to dawn I believed that you’d show up.

I believed that some where deep down you still cared about me and you still loved me,

and that hopefully one day you would miss me as much as I missed you.

I would sit at the front door and look through the big glass window that took up half of the front house

as it looked onto the street, every car that passed and every light that flicked onto the house made me anxious,

just hoping it was you pulling into the drive way

but every car that passed did simply that

it passed

it passed my house and every light that flickered ,

flickered and left.

But I still believed that you wouldn’t let me down

and I still believed that you would come around.

But every night you told me you were coming you left me to fall asleep on the stairs,

you left my mom to pick up the tears and mend the broken heart that ended up still hoping,

you left me to look like a fool as my brothers laughed and said ‘I told you so.’

I will never forget the nights I put on my best dress and my favorite shoes,

I wore my pretty bag that was packed with clothes,

and I held onto my teddy bear as I waited for you….

yet you never came.

But I forgive you for

I forgive you because every night that you left me my mom got stronger,

my heart grew stronger

and I knew what it was to have your heart broken by someone you loved so much but didn’t love you back,

and I didn’t have to go through a bad break up at 16 to experience it…

I just had to be your daughter.

I always wanted to be a daddy’s girl but that dream slowly faded away

like the cars that slowly drove by my house every night

or the hours that felt like days

and the dead light that was never ready to go out.

I stopped waiting and I stopped holding on,

I stopped looking outside of the window

and I stopped sitting by the stairs praying that just this one night you wouldn’t let me down,

but you did

and I only hope that one day you’ll see how happy I am

you’ll see the strong woman you’ve made me become,

not because you were around but because you left me.

I just wish it didn’t take me 13 years to stop being the little girl who waited for her daddy…

THR33

Three doors
Three lives
Three girls
One roof.

They open their doors with smiles,
They close their doors with concerns.

One cant love herself so she cuts,
One has a family being torn apart so she cries,
One cant trust anyone so she sleeps around

behind these doors lies pain, hurt and confusion
but yet no one can provide them with an explanation.
so they move on, they go through the motions to get by.

They smile when they have to,
Laugh when they’re told to,
and breath when it all gets crazy.

They never knew four walls could hold so much lies and deception from what everyone else sees.

They cover it up,
They hide it all,
They stand tall,

She cant love herself so she hurts herself,
She doesn’t have stability so she breaks down,
She cant find trust so she lies to herself

They open their doors and they live because they just need to get through today so everything will be okay.

Three covers,
Three lies,
Three problems,
One response

My Prized Possession

It was everything I ever wanted, everything I ever searched for my whole life and I finally got it.
I never wanted to let it go and I never wanted anyone else to have it.
It was mine and all mine, only mine.
It lite up my day like the moon lights up the dark sky at night.
But it was so simple and beautiful like a flower that first blooms in May. 

I got to wake up everyday and it would already be looking at me.
I made sure it was close and always close because, if it got too far someone else might pick it up and never give it back.
It was worth more than gold, or even pearls fresh from the sea, but it cost less than a rusty old penny. 

I woke up everyday and you would be starring back at me.
You were always close and never too far because, you wanted to make sure everyone knew you were mine.
You were worth more than gold but never cost anything, nothing could ever buy you out not even an old penny.

You were everything I ever wanted, everything I ever searched for in my whole life and I finally got you.
I never wanted to let go and I never wanted anyone else to have you.
You were mine and all mine, only mine.
You lite up my gloomy days like the moon lights up a dark sky.
Your smile was everything, it was as beautiful as the first flower that blooms in May.

Your smile was my prized possession.

I guess I should have shared it more…

Everything

I wake up and I miss you,
every beat of my heart is a memory of you,
every breath I take is one you would have taken with me,
every step I take is one for you and
every tear that falls is for every moment you made me smile,
I fall asleep and I still miss you,
your in my dreams,
your in my mind everyday,
I cant escape your face, your laughter and your contagious smile,
I want you back with everything that I have but I know you wont come back for me.

 

Un-determined road

We got into our black 2008 Honda Civic and just drove.
We didn’t care about the broken AC and the fact that the car smelt like old people who had a lot of cats.
We were getting away.
The sun was so strong it caused the car to feel hot and sticky. But I just wanted to go, go as far as I could without a plan or a destination.
So we drove.
Windows down, the wind flowing through my long brown hair. My right arm hung out the window as it made a wave motion against the pressure of the fast, warm, breezy air.
I looked over at him and even with my shades on he knew, he knew that this was it.
This was what I needed.
A spontaneous, non-determined summer get away.