Confessions

With all brokenness aside… May be fiction or non-fiction, all depends on how you read it

Conscious dream

I feel it so vividly,
your touch
your presence
When you slowly grasp my shoulder or the part of my thigh that connects to my knee,
ever so gently
as if to say… I’m right here

I feel it

I feel the longing you have to be near,
the way your broad shoulders and arms wrap around my small torso
asking me to
please not go this time…
stay a little longer

I feel you

I see you perfectly, with no reason to assume you are something else
Every fiber of your being is present to me

But I see her too…

She’s always right there
behind you
but she refuses to see us

It’s as if we are both pigments of our imagination
two people who happen to think and feel the same thoughts at the same time…
bringing us together in the mind

in reality, you can call this perfect timing

She doesn’t see the way you reach for me when you walk away
she only feels your fingers intertwined with hers

or the way your blue eyes become shallow and overwhelm like the ocean, they sink in and fall like crashing waves, some how it’s still so beautiful…

but your smile,
the one that reaches your ears,
and makes my heart pound in an instant

She sees that

She sees you physically
trying to make it work,
make it look good for the both of you…for everyone

I hear your every thought
your emotion and meaning…

I hear the silent communication between us,
but she hears your voice

say I love you at night

and I…

I  wake up from my dream to a reality

a reality that never got you back

I remember…

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I remember waking up and wanting to run outside with my friends.
I remember going door to door asking parents to play with their kids.
We’d get to every house until we had an army of children filling the streets with laughter.

We’d play hide and seek in the backyards.
We’d block off the roads for street hockey while someone was always on the look out, ready to scream “car.”

But the best was when we’d have water fights, so bad our parents wouldn’t have to take out the sprinklers.
And my fondest memory was riding our bikes through the streets to the local forest, having adventures no one could believe.
It was a new world.

I remember when the police officers would drive through the communities and wave at us.
They’d stop to ask about today’s adventures making sure we were safe.
I remember wanting to be like them.
I remember the unity and the love.

But I remember growing up.
And I wish I never did.
I would wake up and I’d want to stay inside.
I would no longer go door to door because I was tired of kids saying they couldn’t hang out with me anymore.

There was no more laughter filling the streets.
No more adventures or water fights.
Parents started using the sprinklers to water the grass.
No one on the look out screaming car but rather peeping through the curtains to see if it’s safe.
We couldn’t ride through the forest because it was unsafe and who knew if I’d come home that night.
It was a new world.

I remember walking down the streets and the cops didn’t wave but rather slowed down and whispered.
They didn’t ask me what my plans were today but instead confused me for a troubled black kid.
Even though I was the same child they’d see playing with Luke and Sarah.
The worst part… they didn’t see if I was safe because they were the danger.
I didn’t want to be them.
I feared them.

I remember a lack of unity and the presence of hate.
But I can’t remember when the colour of my skin or the country of my origin turned me into a walking target on a gun range.

But I remember my mom.
I remember when she told me I was born with two bold X’s on my.
one labeled boy and
the other black…

I get it now,
I remember.

1 secret

I want to tell you a secret.

I’ve had it for a while, majority of my life.
Sometimes it’s scary and debilitating and other times it’s beautiful and empowering.

It can be a testament to my strength and a reason for my weakness.
This secret of mine is sacred and dear to my heart.
The more I trust and love someone,
is the more I’m willing to share it.

But when I share this I share my heart,
I give you a piece of it and I ask you to hold it, cherish it, protect it, guide it and most of all care for it.
Because it’s a piece of me.

If you break it, you break me
and everything this heart has worked for.
So I’m taking down my walls and I’m letting the world in.

You mustn’t look at me different or see me as fragile, You mustn’t be scared of being unable to love me because you’ve done it without knowing.

As hard as it is for you to hear this imagine how hard it is for me to share it.
Not everyone accepts it, not everyone believes it and not everyone can handle it.
But it’s the truth, it’s completely and unapologetically apart of me.

my secret is simple,
my secret is this,
my secret is depression,
and if you can’t accept me as is, walk away
and know that I’ll still be okay.

the cold tub

Her hand connected with the cold metal knob as she slowly turned it to the left.

Watching the prickling cold water trickle out of the faucet
and then pour into the white tub,
she watched it slowly fill up with no emotion,
she couldn’t feel anything on the inside and mentally she couldn’t breathe.

She sat beside the tub and laid her head on the side
of the cold cement edge as she put the right hand in.

Her fingers moved around gracefully, getting a feel of the cold as it numbed her hand, slowing down the blood flow into her veins.

When the water got to the perfect level she undressed,
taking her time because of her fragile soul.

As an article of clothing came off, she felt the same amount of pain
with every scar that lay on her arm, back and legs,
even the ones that people couldn’t see.

She was weak and couldn’t help but wince at her lack of movement to prepare herself for the water.

One by one she lifted her left foot and then her right foot entering the tub,
as she calmly pushed the rest of her body in the water it raised,
stopping directly above the edge.

She let out a sigh,
a sigh of relief as if she felt at peace.

her body sunk in becoming one with the water
as it collected at the nape of her neck.

Her eyes rolled back and her head lifted to the ceiling.

Inhale, exhale,

inhale… exhale…

Little balls of water formed at the edge of her eyes
and rolled down the side of her cheeks.

She put her head under the water and let go.

Her lungs fought for air the way her mind fights to live freely
but they filled up with water the way it fills up with negativity.

She enjoyed this feeling
because when it got so bad that she couldn’t breathe
and everything started to go black,
she could control it.

She could escape for air and take it,
the way her mind couldn’t escape for peace.

She enjoyed being in control
She did this over and over again,
and each time it got harder and harder to breath but,

She never felt more alive closer to death than she did when she’s living…

 

silent LOVE

She never understood why he would stare at her. She didn’t feel as if she was beautiful enough for someone like him, to analyze her face with such happiness.
But he made her smile.
She would instantly blush every time he looked into her eyes without saying a word, or when he would turn and smirk.

He never understood why she would look away every time he smiled at her, she was beautiful and deserved to be recognized for it. From the way her eyes would light up every time she spoke about anything, to the heart felt laugh she belted out over the smallest things. All he could see was beauty as if it was embedded on her face, especially her gorgeous smile that always lifted her cheek bones.

She thought he deserved  more than her, she wasn’t perfect. She didn’t have the best laugh or the prettiest smile or the perfect face. She didn’t have what all the other girls had but he only saw her.

He always thought she deserved more then him, he wasn’t the best at what he did and he’d never be the greatest either. He had a past that he couldn’t escape and he didn’t know how to love her the way she deserved to be loved.
He was quirky and could never make his mind up, but she had everything they didn’t and that’s what drew him to her… she was perfect.

She took a chance and let her walls down but he wasn’t ready for that.
They weren’t ready for each other.

She slowly fell for him and he fell for her but they were both afraid to let each other in. So they kept it all inside and hoped that one day it would let itself out. But for now he would replay her beautiful laugh as she covered her face every time so he wouldn’t see and she would remember his sweet smile that made her feel safe.

and they let each other go

 

girls are evil too

she stood across the rustic bar in an elegant little black dress and sharp heeled stilettos,
with a perfect coat of red plastered onto her lips

you couldn’t miss her from a mile away, it was as if a perfectly dimmed spotlight was on her the whole night because every guy wanted a chance to speak to her
but she knew what she wanted…

they walked up to her one by one and she toiled with them for a bit and then made it clear they needed to move on,

I watched her play with these boys hearts and as they got closer she’d whisper in their ear with a smirk on her face and slowly sucked their souls out of them

it was a game to her and she enjoyed it because she knew she could get away with it

and one by one every boy who walked up with hope walked away with a lifeless body

but like I said she knew what she wanted…

I took one last sip of my whisky before I walked across the semi-crowded bar and grabbed her hand

slowly dragging her to the middle of the room I put a finger to her lips and she pierced a smile with a look of devilishly fun in her eyes

we danced in the middle of the room on the hard wood floor

this is what she wanted a challenge and a challenge she was going to get

I told her that she could rip out my heart and look right through me and

smile as lies roll off of her tongue like a beautiful poem

But never tell me she loves me….

tick tick boom

tick tick tick

she was running down the dark alley, her feet were heavy on the pavement feeling every stone and stick that she made contact with

her heart picked up a beat pumping blood faster and faster

tick tick tick

she couldn’t get the sound out of her head but she kept running until she stopped

panicked looking around her she lifted her left hand and brought it to her forehead, she rubbed it back and forth, back and forth until she brought it down to the side of her face, it slowly moved covering her eye and than her lips, she brought it slowly down finally falling to her chest

she stopped and let her chest rise and fall, rise and fall bringing her right hand atop of her left hand tears rolled down her face

tick tick tick

she stood there in a daze

nothing around her besides darkness

tick tick tick

she squatted to her knees and hugged them tighter than ever,

her mind wouldn’t settle, her thoughts were scattered, jumping from one scenario to another

tick tick tick

rocking back and forth on her heels she held her head and than slowly stood up

she held her face caressing it for sympathy

tick tick tick

her breathing picked up

in out

in out in out in out

in out in out in out in out in out

tick tick tick

it all stopped she smiled and finally let go of the chaos she could no longer control

tick… tick… tick… boom!